I’m lucky enough to know some terrific women: smart, creative, interesting, all of whom have beautiful souls. When you love your female friends, you always want to try to help them understand what’s going on. Since I’m a psychologist (though I’m a research/teaching psychologist rather than a clinical one), people often ask me about human behavior.

The one thing that stumps women the most is the behavior of men, usually their own man.  The saddest aspect of this is that it often driven by insecurity.  I find it tragic that a lack of security can be the very thing that drives a wedge through relationships.

Most women place far too much emphasis on their partner’s behavior while they are out and (supposed to be) having a good time. It often starts with their partner stealing a quick glance at a pretty girl who’s caught his eye on the way to the restroom.

Alternatively, it can start as easily when the smiling server comes to take the couple’s drink order before dinner. Women notice it—the looks–the appreciative looks. As for you men, own that behavior because you do it. Males, when approaching any female, tend to glance at the eyes and then focus longer on the breasts before their peepers travel to the woman’s nether regions and then make one more stop at the almighty breasts before settling on the face, where most verbal communication occurs (non verbal communication will be another post!).

Women need to understand that Mother Nature, the Goddess, God, or whoever created human beings did so by requiring them to have essential needs. In the earliest times, one need rose above all others: to protect the species—to procreate. Of course, we are basing that on the lean times of our ancient ancestors, where most people were lucky to live to forty years old, and so many children died through disease and accidents (most of which are now well treated). But just because we no longer have the need for such procreation (God knows we no longer have that problem) it doesn’t mean our bodies or minds have changed.

I’m a biopsychologist and I will tell you, there’s nothing a man can do about checking out another female. I’m stating this through the eyes of evolutionary psychology; this is a sound theory. The ancient male’s number one function was to procreate, which they did by having sex with a plethora of women. And first, they checked them out.

Psychologists have studied these behaviors. Many studies show that we haven’t changed all that much in the way we are wired. Women seek out a good provider and men seek out the women who are most likely to provide him a family to help with the workload and to carry on the species.

Now for you naysayers, of course this is not true for everyone. In social science research, we generalize behaviors based on what we see the majority of people in a study doing. It is also true, that in this type of research, the outliers can be as much as 2% or 5%, so if you say, “Hey, that doesn’t happen to me,” you can very well be right. But for the majority of us, Mother Nature still wires us all today in much the same way as our ancient ancestors.

Whoever did create us, that entity did wire men and women differently—(and that’s an understatement). Men can have a purely physical relationship, have a good time with it, and walk away from it without a further ado—which puts the exclamation point on evolutionary psychology. The ancients had sex with numerous partners; after all, their most urgent need was to protect our species.

Women, on the other hand, are also wired to protect the species and for the ancients, it meant finding a strong, able man—one who could hunt and work the land. One that would protect her and her children—to make sure the species continued.

But women and men both need to understand things about the opposite gender.

Men need to understand that the majority of women don’t do ‘friends with benefits’ well—at least not in this psychologist’s experience. She might pretend it’s okay—but I know very few people who find internal happiness and self-respect by sleeping with lots of different men without having a true love or emotional connection with that person.

Most women—the ones I know—must have an emotional connection to a partner before becoming intimate. The women I know—and I include myself—become emotionally invested in a man after they’ve been sexually intimate.

On the other hand, women should never assume that just because their man appears to give a beautiful woman a thorough once-over with his eyes, that it means he wants to sleep with her. He’s wired that way—and women need to accept this. Jealousy is an ugly animal. If women overreact or become combative when the sneaky green monster rears her ugly head when her man peeks at a pretty woman here and there, it will not help your relationship: it might destroy it. Because if she does gets that upset, then she may well be the catalyst who drives a permanent stake through their relationship, ending it for good.

I know this stuff. Yes, I know it from my training as a psychologist but even more important, I know it as a former call girl. Almost every married client I saw told me how much he loved his wife. In fact, that was why they chose to see me instead of starting a relationship with the good-looking new vice president of sales: because their marriage is as sacred to him as it is to a woman. They sought me out for many reasons: as a psychologist (yes, at that time), as a confidante, as a person who might give them peace (not not a piece)–there are too many reasons to list them all. But I would garner a bet that says that a call girl never breaks up a relationship, whereas that attractive Vice President of Sales provides a deadly threat because she (and your man) can so become emotionally intertwined, too quick and then you end up fighting for your relationship. But you can stop that in its tracks–it really is up to you and how you choose to view your man’s behavior.

Believe your man when he tells you he loves you because most men won’t say that unless they mean it. And honestly? If you cannot trust your partner, husband, significant other, etc. then you shouldn’t be together to begin with.

It all comes down to understanding the evolutionary differences between males and females (and it’s not just social training, we are built with different hormones), respecting those, and not being offended. Heck, if you’re going to get mad at anyone—get mad at Mother Nature, because she wired us the way we are.

Peace,

Melinda