Holiday Survival

(Photo credit to rian)

Christmas, 1993. That last Holiday before I nearly succeeded in ending my life was the worst of my life. I have to remember that because as my Holiday melancholy has set in this year, I need to remember how grateful I must be right now.

I’d lost just about everything—the most important of which was hope. I’d pawned everything worth anything for drug money, maxed out my credit with all my friends and dealers, and now spent my days and nights drifting aimlessly around the city, wondering what the fuck to do.

Suicide was a constant thought. The pain of life had driven me to want to end it. At that point, I hadn’t been in touch with my family for years—they’d lost hope and had changed all their phone numbers. They’d had enough of my bullshit.

I spent Christmas Eve riding the city busses all night. In a rare moment of clarity, wondered how the hell my life had ended up in such a state. What happened to the dreams of becoming a great actor? Or writer? Those dreams were stardust at that point. My only dream was having a home in Cleveland, Ohio’s freezing December winter.

I slipped into a deep depression recently, which is why I’ve been more quiet than usual. But then I remembered that last horrible Christmas—one I’m lucky to have survived—and I know how much gratitude I have for all that I have received once I opened my heart to a different way of life.

I know many are suffering during these Holidays. I hear you. I’ve been there—and recently. But don’t lose hope. Always treasure even a little spark of hope because I know as well as anyone that when there is life, there is hope.

Peace to all,


6 thoughts on “Holiday Survival

  1. Big super hugs!!! I’ve been there almost feel I’m back there again. Its tough, but you are awesome. Reach out don’t hide.

    1. You are pretty awesome yourself. Good advice, Randi–to reach out and not hide. I have a problem with that; when I am not feeling well, I do tend to isolate. Thanks so much for stopping by to read. Hugs. M.

  2. Yeah, the holidays are tough…all my demons rise up at this time…history for me is not pretty either (and by that I mean personal history)…but we need to hang in there and keep our light shining. I too tend to isolate when I feel like crap…no idea if the emotional triggers the physical or vice versa…just knowing that sometimes I can only hang on on second at a time. For me, my blessing is my beautiful grandson. He keeps me anchored here to this life…I keep on keeping on for him. Whatever it takes, huh? Love you precious sister. Hang in there. We will continue to shine brightly, sometimes one moment at a time. happy New Year, gorgeous!!!

    1. Thanks, Tricia. I’m feeling much better. I had a lot of stuff to work out after my mother’s death. This has been a tough year but one of growth and learning. And hey gorgeous? Happy New Year to you too. Let 2018 just shine! And I am so happy that your sweetheart of a grandson is giving you joy. You deserve it!

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